After doing my best to avoid writing this review, I have been forced to do so by the higher ups here at BadPsychics towers.
The good news is that this is the last episode in the series! The bad news, I still have to watch it. So with no further ado I look deep into Derek Acorah's bag of future events which he gave me in 2003, and pull out the blurb for this week's episode.
"Spook-searching with Yvette Fielding and a bunch of homeless chimpanzees who walked in off the street! The team continues its investigation into the Moat House in Tamworth as objects fly and a little girl's doll seems to tell a tale."
It is always worth checking out the comments after each review, usually after an episode has aired on the TV, people will give their opinion of events that have happened, or if they have spotted something I have missed they will mention that, and I encourage everyone to join in.
These reviews are always just my opinion, and when there is a stunt on the show, my opinion might not be right, it is often just an educated guess, and I rarely go back and watch something twice, so feel free to comment, and if you think I am wrong about something, make sure you tell me.
First up my predictions for the episode.
1. Something will be thrown OFF CAMERA.
2. Karl will do something suspicious.
3. Karl will have suspicious bulges in his back pocket.
4. Jon Donnis will try to be funny.
5. Stuart will get an old saying slightly wrong.
We get to see highlights of the previous episode, including Lou running past a chair and the chair falling down right after. Of course everyone knows she caught it with her coat, but as usual it was OFF CAMERA.
Worth noting as the highlights run that the episode with the doll catching fire finished as 3rd most watched for the week, but the episode with Karl setting his arm on fire finished 1st. This is a marked improvement after they struggled to get in the top 10 for the previous weeks. But still the ratings are down compared to 10 years ago.
Ok these highlights are going on forever. Do we really need 5 minutes of highlights?
And we are back investigating, and the sound of a motorbike outside is very loud, just proving how close they are to a road. I can only imagine that Watson has seen his chance to get the hell out of dodge and has buggered off for good.
As they skip between the various people on the show, I am suddenly reminded how awful last weeks episode was.
Fred is reading from his "How to be a demonologist book"
Yvette and Karl are stood about, Yvette is apparently talking to a ghost through her smartphone.
The first device which could even be called a smartphone, or pocket computer was made in 1992. I hope this ghost didn't die before then, or he would have no idea what is going on.
Stuart is with Glen and Beardy. Stuart is taking the lead, and he sees an orb, but sadly just states that it was dust, then we get a replay.
Yvette then gives a voice over. "Is it dust, an insect or an orb, you decide"
If you decided that it is an orb, you loose 10 internet points. So make a note as I will be checking at the end. If you said dust or an insect you gain 10 internet points. These can be redeemed at any internet delivery station.
Karl's pockets look suspiciously full, so I suspect a ghost might throw something soon.
Yvette is acting scared as if something might get smashed near her, a plate or something, well Yvette, if you keep Karl and Stuart in view, you truly have nothing to worry about.
Faint footsteps can be heard, of course it is definitely not one of the 10 plus members of the crew present.
Karl is running about like a right numpty. I think he is waiting for the right chance to throw something.
We then get a faint noise, could be a cat? Somebody suggested to me that these noises might be playing through someone's phone, literally have a load of sound effects set up, one press, and job done, you have a ghostly noise.
A phone has apparently fallen from its base OFF CAMERA. Yvette picks it up and has the following conversation.
Yvette. Hello.
Ghost. Ye-ahello.
Yvette. Is anybody there? Tap once for yes, twice for no.
Ghost. Yep, I just said hello. How can I help you?
Yvette. Is that you making the noise?
Ghost. What noise? Oh you mean my cat, yeah sorry about that.
Yvette. Did you die here?
Ghost. Die? No, don't be silly, I died in the hospital, got run over by a Bulldog on a motorbike.
Back to the investigation, a faint dog barking, sounds like a child's laughter according to Karl.
Here is a challenge to everyone reading this, tonight, turn everything off, and sit in silence, all those little creaks and noises you hear are 100% definitely ghosts, they are not the natural noises of a house with wooden beams and floorboards naturally contracting, or animals outside.
You know in Greece my house is made of concrete as all houses in hot countries are. Funnily enough at night there is no creaking, guessing the ghosts don't like the hot weather.
Yvette is scared so has a tight grip of Karl's hand, Karl unimpressed shows her his clenched fist. I bet Glen watched this episode back and was cursing the fact he wasn't in this scene instead of Karl. It would have been his hand she would have tightly gripped.
Yvette gathers everyone up together, and they do some table tipping on the uneven floor.
The table rocks every so slightly, on the uneven floor. This was clearly the ghosts and not any of the 5 people touching it. When they stop touching the table, the ghosts decide to stop rocking the table on the uneven floor.
Usually when this happens to me in the pub, I get a beer mat and put it under one leg of the table, this instantly stops the ghosts from rocking it. I wonder why the Most Haunted crew never thought of this?
Fred has seen something the other side of the room, so Beardy points his camera in the opposite direction towards Yvette, and the other cameraman keeps his camera firmly facing the whole crew.
It is almost as if they are making a faked TV show and not filming a true investigation into the paranormal.
I think I have just solved the mystery of why they have never filmed a ghost in the history of the show.
Glen is rolling his eyes here more than usual, he is not impressed at any of this.
His body language gives it away every episode.
All the noises they have heard in this episode so far could be put down to cats, dogs or birds.
Yvette has found a broken wineglass on the floor, and she is well pissed off. That was the last glass. She then realises she can drink her special "Escape from Karl" wine direct from the bottle, and all is good again.
There is something written on the beam above Yvette, I asked an associate of mine to pop to the Manor House in Tamworth and get a photo of it.
I wonder what that could mean? And I wonder if Karl calls Yvette by her old school nickname of "Red" any more?
Anyway there is a suspiciously placed doll, face down in a bucket.
Luckily it is in water, so no chance of it catching fire.
As Karl picks the doll up, you can hear the faint sound of an Owl in the background. Yvette gets scared. I am guessing ghosts that live in dolls now make Owl noises? Especially when they are in a tower.
Karl is nervous, so I am guessing he is feeling anxious about a stunt he is to perform later.
We then get a few minutes of people standing about, hands on hips.
Fred is adamant there has been some kind of sacrifice up there with a doll.
And not some of the staff who sneak up there for a crafty fag, leaving this as a set up, knowing full well the Most Haunted team would be investigating.
They then decide to leave the tower. Instead of leaving first, Karl directs the cameraman, who then films the doll, and suddenly there is a smash, while the camera is showing the doll, and surprise surprise, something has hit Karl on the top of the head. Now the problem with this scene is that it takes a bit too long from the moment the cameraman decides to film the doll, to Karl hitting himself on the head. (OFF CAMERA). All just screams of being faked, and the cameraman watching Karl, waiting for him to do it.
Yvette checks the cameraman and Karl for any glass in their hair. Now despite the glass hitting Karl in the head, there is no mark on him.
As they talk about it, a plate has been thrown OFF CAMERA from someone down the stairs, most likely Stuart chucking the plate up.
Here is an idea for Karl, since he claims they have hardly any budget and cant afford expensive cameras to be placed around the location, how about you just buy 5 cheapo dashcams. They can be set to record in 2 minute loops, so you don't need a big memory card. Every room you go in, you place the 5 cameras to cover all angles. If nothing happens, you move on. If something happens, you have guaranteed coverage of the incident, and from multiple angles, in night vision too. And the cost of all of this? Less than $100.
Back with Stuart and Glen, and Glen has clearly lost the will to live at this point, he has been stuck with Fred first, then Stuart, all he wants is 10 minutes alone with Yvette to work his magic.
Now even Karl has had enough of all the faking, so they decide to have a 5 minute break to set up the next stunt then get back to it.
Glen finally gets to investigate with Yvette, and they have gone back up to the tower with the doll in the bucket. Did you know I was in a band at school called "Doll in the Bucket" we were a heavy metal quartet.
Have you ever noticed the resemblance of Stuart's head, and an orange?
Anywho, Stuart and Karl are together, so I am assuming the big finale is coming soon.
Now hilariously, Stuart goes into another room, but it is pitch black, and the camera picks up nothing, which is strange since they are supposed to be filming in night vision. Watch this scene carefully. Night vision shows everything, even when it is practically pitch black. Yet here we are getting shadows, darkness and so on.
Suddenly there is a noise, and Karl has chucked a plate behind him OFF CAMERA, as he tried to walk in shot, as if to prove it couldn't be him.
We cut back to Glen and Yvette, and Yvette winks and asks Glen "How do you feel", he replies with a smirk and says "exhausted". I believe is experience what is known in the business as an "alphabet orgasm".
Suddenly a noise, the cameraman states it was above them, Yvette insists it is below them, even says "trust me". How can she be so sure she is right here? The only way would be if she already knew what the noise was.
Yvette then accidentally calls Darren, Glen, I know this happened in the bedroom with Karl once, she screamed out Glen's name. Karl was not impressed.
Yvette managed to talk her way out of it by claiming she had said "Clem".
Luckily Karl didn't know what that word means, so just accepted it.
Stuart is asking the ghosts to close the door. If only the ghost of Larry Grayson was there.
More noises, things being thrown all OFF CAMERA.
"There's an old saying, be careful what you ask for" - Stuart Torevell.
Yvette finds a plate on the floor, and the episode ends. No big ending, no big finale, just some highlights of the two episodes. What an anticlimactic ending.
Complete waste of an episode. Nothing really happened. No Watson, just some taps, and a few plates thrown off camera.
I give this episode a 0 out of 10.
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By Jon Donnis
