Review: Most Haunted Series 5 (or 19) Episode 6 (The Ripon Workhouse in Yorkshire) - REALLY to air Friday 19th May, 10pm

Welcome to my latest review of Most Haunted, a show so bad that Antix Productions literally have to pay the media to cover it! Also in other news.....

And lets get on with things, first up we have to untie that spunk ridden blart sock and have a good old look at the blurb.

"Hunting the haunted with Yvette Fielding! The Ripon Workhouse in Yorkshire is said to be teeming with undead souls, one of which seems to be following the team around... "

The first shot of the night and Yvette is walking into the Ripon Workhouse, and they have forgotten to edit out her sighs of boredom! Really, watch it, and listen! So funny.

We get a nice little voice over covering the history of the Workhouse as well as some bizarre stock video footage from old workhouses, mixed in with some of Karl's dodgy camera work.

3 minutes in and I am already starting to think of ways to amuse myself.

Even this model in the Workhouse has had enough of Most Haunted, and he isn't even a real person.

We get a quick interview with a random stoner they found on the streets, sorry I mean "Museum Volunteer David Ault", and much like last weeks Jane woman, who it was claimed was a legit witness, but was really a wannabe paranormal investigator with ties to the location, David Ault is actually an actor and even sells a 30 minute audio ghost tour of the event! Wonder how much he got paid for his appearance, if at all? He is also an astrophysicist too apparently.

He is annoyingly likeable, especially as I like to hate everyone, I think he could easily replace someone like Glen who really is a waste of space on the show. But then again those in the know understand why he is really there.

So far no sign of Watson the MH Bulldog. I am guessing he didn't get the call to appear this week.

Before the investigation has started they are already hearing noises from the floor, the fact that there is at least 7 grown adults in the room as part of the crew, makes this whole segment pointless. Especially as it is revealed right after that there are two staff members also present at the location.

Even Glen says that he is excited, despite the fact this is just normal floor board creaking noises due to the amount of people, as well as taps that could be coming from anywhere and anyone.

We then have a ridiculous situation whereby Yvette then Glen hold fingers up to Stuart and ask the ghost to tap out how many fingers are showing.

Still no sign of Watson, so I will assume he is not on the show this week. And that is another reason for you not to watch.

Funny how every time there is a tapping noise, someone has their hands in their pocket. I am sure that is just a coincidence, and not someone making that noise, but then again when you have nearly a dozen people on an investigation, including actors, and staff members who lets be honest want the place to appear haunted as it helps their visitor numbers, can you trust anything you see and hear?

Right after the above shot, there is a squeeking sound, which instantly stops after Karl takes his hand out of his pocket.

Next they move to a room and a light fixture is swinging, Stuart says it must be the ghost children, although funnily enough you would only be able to reach the light if you were an adult man as Karl then demonstrates. No camera footage shown either from CCTV or anywhere else to show the light start moving, therefore its pointless evidence, as anyone off camera could have done it and then hid.

Next a noise is heard, again off camera, they go investigate and it is a brush of some kind.

Again any CCTV in the location would have picked it up, but we never see such footage, I wonder why.

Stuart proudly states that no human could have thrown the brush, it is impossible he says.

We not if someone did it who was stood right there, and then hid immediately after.

You would think that if you were getting things thrown in every investigation you do, you would invest in say 20 go-pro cameras, and just place them all around. Yet they never do that, I wonder why.

21 minutes into the episode and so far we have had.....
a brush thrown - Off Camera
a light fixture swung - Off Camera
faint taps and noises - evidentially worthless due to lack of controls.

So that is 21 minutes wasted when it comes to paranormal research, well 21 minutes and the previous 18 and a half series of Most Haunted. Funny how no mention of Stuart and his cut face from last week. Guessing they saw the replays and realised he just tripped over.

I hear that locations have to sign legal documents stating they have to turn off CCTV for any Most Haunted investigation, as well as non disclosure agreements, meaning they cannot reveal anything they see.

Yvette asks the spirits to make a noise with their voice, and then hears a growl that is clearly Glens stomach, but he denies it, even though the replay shows him grimmace at the exact moment of the growl.

Thats the exact moment Glen does a belly fart. We get 4 replays of this, no joke 4 replays of Glen's stomach rumbling.

We cut back to Karl, Stuart and Fred, and they hear another noise........ OFF CAMERA, this time a Green piece of soap as been thrown.

Just consider this for a moment, a ghost supposedly has the ability to pick up a physical object the size and weight of a piece of hard soap, but can only do it in the dark and off camera. Why are believers not suspicious? Why do they take such things as proof?

It looks like we might be about to go a bit old school!

Yvette asks the ghosts to push the table, but nothing is happening, its a pretty big table so without a proper gimmick (rod attached to someones arm) I doubt it will move. And it doesn't so they move on. Perhaps Yvette thought it would be easier to push. We know she has been caught pushing tables back in the old days with Derek Acorah.

This is a boring episode, I am warning you. 30 minutes in now, and the cameraman is making clicking noises with his mouth

So pretty much this is the routine of Most Haunted.
Noise
"Was that you?"
"No"
Must be a ghost.

We have had Glens stomach rumble and Greg clear his throat, both being used as evidence of ghosts.

These three idiots are now at the table. Nothing happens at the table, Stuart gets up, something is thrown OFF CAMERA, they look about, find nothing.

I wish my girlfriend looked at me the way Glen looks at Yvette.

More science as they have now pulled out a "Hasbro" Ouija board and Yvette is pointing at letters hoping for taps. Meanwhile someone else is listening out for EVPs.

As Yvette is spelling out this dead ghost's name, we are shown a replay of a whistling sound, which is blatently just someone's nose making a whistling sound, probably the cameraman.

So thats a nose whistle, Glen's stomach and Greg clearing his throat. All claimed to be proof of the paranormal.

You could instantly add some credibility to this whole charade if you blind folded yvette while she was scanning her finger over the Ouija board, but no that would mean doing things properly, as opposed to Yvette just remembering something she looked up before they started filming, at least Derek Acorah would put on some kind of performance for his blatant cheating.

Fred has found the name of Henry Lupton in his book which matches perfectly what Yvette had been spelling out on the Ouija board. I imagine many eyes will roll at home during this scene.

They play back a noise from the EVP which is supposed to be "Henry", cant hear it myself.

Yvette claims what they just got with the Ouija Board is "jaw dropping", yet bizarrely they all forgot to act surprised and excited and instead are all a bit bored sounding.

And then the episode ends quite abruptly. Although we do get this hilarious shot of someone falling over on the next episode.

Cant quite see who it is, but it must be Stuart.

Anyway it is another episode without a single piece of evidence. No Watson. No big stunt.

Total waste of time. I will give this episode a Minus 4/10, so that is worse than a 0/10

Truly awful uneventful pathetic desperate episode.

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By Jon Donnis

Review: Most Haunted Series 5 (or 19) Episode 5 (Weir Mill in Stockport ) - REALLY to air Friday 12th May, 10pm

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for advertisement, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you cancel Most Haunted now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will say mean things about you." - Jon Donnis

I am back! Let me apologise for the delay in posting this review up, usually I get them up much quicker, but after last weeks 0/10 review, nothing could interest me less than doing another review of this huge pile of dog excrement known as Most Haunted. But I have a few hours spare on this glorious Wednesday afternoon, so I thought I would take my good mood and totally destroy it by watching and reviewing Most Haunted for all you wank pheasants that get off on me castrating the Most Haunted crew and show.

(Random News Fact - Derek Acorah filmed 7 episodes of a second series of The Past Hunters, but now refuses to allow them to be aired because they were so bad and full of fakery. True story!)

Right then onto this weeks episode of "Will the dog be on it?"

Lets pry open Karts favourite Blart Sock and read the blurb for this episode
"Spine-tingling snooping with Yvette Fielding. An evening at the abandoned Weir Mill in Stockport proves too much for one team member who makes an early exit."

As the credits start, a voiceover preview of the show has Yvette seemingly disappointed in someone for doing something. If that is not a hook to get you to watch then nothing is.

As we start, first thing to notice is that Watson the MH Bulldog is here! Will he last more than the intro? Also his lack of interest in the first 5 seconds of the show is palpable! This dog truly does represent every intelligent viewer in the history of this show.

I had a few people comment regarding my new found interest in the physical attributes of Yvette Fielding in my past few reviews, well to start off I can safely say that so far I have had no tingles in the first 5 seconds of the show, so I think I might be ok this week.

As we are given a "cinematic" look around Weir Mill, this pops up. Look we all know that Yvette is a bit cold in the bedroom but for Karl to graffiti this is going to far! Afterall what does you expect the poor woman to do when all she is given is a micropenis to satisfy her. Any woman would feel dead inside if you cant even get past the labia! At least Watson gives her a good tonguing every now and again.

Yvette is continuing her walkthrough and Watson has already buggered off.
We are told about a 7 foot tall spectre with half a face. (Spoiler, this ghost is not seen tonight) In the world of the smartphone, not a single piece of evidence of any ghosts exist anywhere in the world. Now unless the Most Haunted team have some basic video editing software to create some kind of overlay effect then I really doubt they will find any 7 foot ghost today.

Next up a short interview with the ONLY woman in the world who does not own a smartphone, who tells us how she saw this 7 foot ghost.

Now this woman does look familiar, I wonder if she is involved in a local Paranormal Investigation Group?

Yvette and Glen start talking, and Glen is not impressed, it is strange dont you think that after appearing in so many episodes and supposedly seeing "the best ever evidence of a ghost" that Glen still thinks it is all rubbish when told about hauntings etc. Even the biggest fan of Most Haunted must realise that something is up when a character refuses to believe in ghosts just a few weeks after putting their reputation on the line by claiming footage of a ghost is real. (Despite the fact they were 100% caught lying)

10 Minutes in and I am already getting bored.

But wait, out of nowhere it is the return of GORT! "Ghost Observing Robotic Tracker"
You remember GORT don't you? Episode 2, I made a joke about it being Karl's nickname for Yvettes lady garden? Basically a cheap remote control car with a GoPro camera on it! It was on episode 2 for about 30 seconds, hailed as the next great gimmick, and was then quickly put back in its box never to be seen again, well the box has been opened, new batteries purchased, and GORT is now driving about!

Yvette reveals that after 20 minutes of GORT driving about, it found nothing, she then states that something strange happens as something is seemingly blocking his path! Oh this could be exciting.
The footage rolls and we see GORT continuously driving into a door. Yes a big heavy wooden door blocked the path of a 12 inch remote control car. It's evidence like this that really does test even the most hardened of Skeptics. I even rang up James Randi, and he asked where he should send the $1m too as clearly this was proof of the spirit world.

It is starting to get dark so GORT is left in a room never to be seen or mentioned again, and the team start their investigation. And even Watson is involved too!

And by involved I mean he is a dog walking about, not really caring about anything or anyone else.

The fact that Watson is exposing this show as fake is so hilarious to me.
Yvette, Watson and Karl are together, Karl claims to feel opressed, Yvete is saying she can see something behind him and Watson, what with his dogs nose that is 2000 times more sensitive than a human nose, hearing that can pick up sound 4 times further away than a human ear can hear, as well as pick up frequencies that humans cannot, and eye sight that is much better than a human eye in low light, Watson is not barking, not moving, just kinda standing their looking bored. And all the while Yvette and Karl are doing their best acting to make it seem like there is ghosties nearby. You see a dog cant understand humans, it doesn't care what a human believes in, it really is immune to ghost bullshit. And the fact Watson is not reacting is 100% proof that there are no ghosts in this location.

I wonder how many edits had to be made of Watson running after Stuart when he is hidden somewhere to make a noise or throw something off camera since joining the show.

There is a big noise, they run into another room, again Watson does not react, which would show he knew exactly what happened, he saw it, so did not react, he was not shocked by the noise, nor did he bark, or run after anything. Despite all of this everything Watson does or does not do, Karl and Yvette try to twist into proof of ghosts. When he is near them it is him being clingy and scared, when he is away from them he must have seen something.

There is a slightly funny moment here, as Yvette had left a couple of old bras hanging to dry after she got her sweat on, and Karl never saw them and walks into them and scares himself.

We can hear sirens in the background, so clearly the area is a busy area. We then get this shot of Watson.

Karl asks "What is he seeing?"
Remember what i said about a dog's hearing, smell and eye sight? Yes he is a dog, in an old building, in a busy area, as a human I cannot even comprehend the amount of information his senses are giving him, and non of it is anything to do with ghosts. Even Watson gives a sly look to camera as if to say
"Yes I know, I have to put up with these idiots all the time"

Again Watson does not bark, does not run, does not care in the least, he is just stood there not caring.

20 minutes in and we are now told they are going to meet up with the others and put Watson to bed.
How convenient, Watson is exposing the whole show as fake, and now you put him to bed, whats the betting that as soon as he is not about things will start getting thrown, taps will be heard and so on!

If you were a ghost, wouldn't you want to cause more chaos when there is a dog there to react?

Lets take a quick break here as I want to talk about ratings.
Now for whatever reason there is no ratings available for episode 1 of this new series of Most Haunted. No idea why, they are just not available.
However I did see Karl Beattie on Twitter bragging about the rating for Episode 2. That is the episode they spent a HUGE amount of money promoting, planting stories in the media, and so on all about the "best ghost footage ever" that turned out to be a video overlay effect of Stuart. Anyway with the amount of money spent, they had to expect a decent ratings number to come in, and yes they got just that.

Episode 1 - ???
Episode 2 - 367,000 Viewers.

That is a jump of about 150,000 viewers from the episode of Ghost Adventures that aired right before that episode.

So to put that in perspective, go back to August 2014, and that is not too far off the ratings they were getting then. Actually a bit less, but close enough. So in 3 years they have NOT had any kind of ratings increase at all.

When you consider the huge amount of money spent on PR, planting stories, TV interviews and so on, personally if I was UKTV I would be disappointed in that number, considering REALLY is a freeview channel available to everyone.

Anyway surely after getting all these new viewers episode 3 most have held the rating at least if not grew even more? Right?

WRONG!
Episode 3 lost about 66,000 viewers, and ended up with 301,000
This was still the top show of that week for Really, and about 25,000 more views than a rerun of One Born Every Minute.

Will the ratings continue to slide?
By the end of the previous series Most Haunted struggled to even get in the top 10.
Luckily UKTV pay pennies for the show, so they wont really care too much, but if Antix Productions want to ask for more money then they need to delivery in the ratings, and a one off after spending thousands and thousands of sponsored posts in the newspaper is not going to cut it.

And if you are wondering how Most Haunted compares to other shows on Freeview or Satellite, well episode 2 doesn't even make the top 30 most viewed shows for that week, and that is not even counting the big channels like BBC, ITV etc. So be careful about bragging about ratings.

Right where were we? Oh yes, Watson is being put to bed so Stuart can have free reign to throw some stones.

Karl who has been watching way too many episodes of Buffy decides to draw a Pentagram on the floor.

Fred then places a skull on the floor, and surrounds the pentagram with salt! Yes this is really happening folks. Fred has watched an episode of Supernatural, and thinks it is real.

Fred claims that the salt will protect them from spirits. Yvette quickly gets into the pentagram, and has an argument with Karl over what the point of it all is.

Fred is now spouting off his mumbo jumbo, while Glen is watching some truly filthy porn on his laptop. Like seriously the worst kind of degrading disgusting porn, you know, that weird Japanese porn with giant tentacles and ping pong balls.

We get an edit in Fred's chanting, I assume so that the evil spirits don't travel into your house by way of your TV set, because you know that can so possibly happen.

If only this was product placement, then Antix could actually make some money instead of having Fred bankroll everything. Glen is still transfixed by the laptop screen.

Luckily I managed to get access to some footage recorded by the other cameraman who filmed over Glen's shoulder. 

They are still fannying about with the pentagram, so far the bad spirits don't give a shit, although Stuart is not on camera so I expect something to happen soon.

Yvette is being cocky in the pentagram, dancing because she thinks she is safe from the evil spirits. (She is safe because there are no such things as ghosts.)

Fred is now trying to open the gates of hell. No joke that is what is claimed.
Nothing happens.

Karl wants to break the circle of salt and expose Yvette to the evil spirits, Fred tells him it is dangerous. Glen is still looking at naked images on his laptop, he is now crouched down to hide his erect penis.

Karl still wants to break the circle, Yvette doesn't want him too.
This is all very childish.

Karl and Yvette are now having an argument because Karl wants to break a circle of salt on the floor.
I cant believe I am watching this crap.

There is a noise, some walking about and thats it.


Yvette stays in her pentagram.

We hear a voiceover saying that Stuart hasn't been seen in a while and when they find him they are shocked by what they find.

Time to find out if those acting lessons Stuart took have paid off. (Yes he really took acting lessons some years ago, look it up)

Karl has found Stuart who is sat on the floor and in Karls own words is "covered in crap".
Karl asks Stuart what has happened, Stuart says he wants to go home, and at the same time we get a close up of his face and we see this.....

Lets be honest here, either Stuart has done this to himself for effect, or he just tripped over and scraped his face on the floor or a wall. That would explain the graze as well as his dirty trousers.

Karl asks him if he needs an ambulance. Stuart is keeping his eyes shut throughout this, as it helps him concentrate on this ridiculous nonsense he is trying to pull off.

Stuart claims he doesn't know what happened and he wants to go home.

Stuart's night is over, and has gone home. No one has checked his video camera, no one has bothered to find out what happened, as I am sure he would have had the camera on and filming since that is his job. 

We get no follow up on Stuart for the rest of the episode, he is just forgotten about.

Instead we get back to Yvette in the stupid salt pentagram, which Karl quickly decides to break with his foot. Lets hope Satan appears now and takes Yvette straight to hell.

Sadly Satan has not appeared, Yvette is now out of the circle, and they are communicating with the dead by tapping on the floor.

Yvette has decided that there are ghost children present so now puts on a silly voice to talk to the children.

Nothing much happens, but we are in the last ten minutes now, so time for the big ending.
Karl and Fred are together, some noises are heard off camera as usual.

Off camera bangs are not proof of the paranormal, they are proof of bangs. Any number of explanations possible here, and as long as rational explanations are available, the paranormal explanations can firmly be ignored.

Back at the pentagram....

And chalk is on the floor that was in the chalice, the skull has moved. And of course no one filmed it. Thus instantly making everything pointless and worthless as evidence. Karl claims he repaired the circle as he felt bad after breaking it, and Fred claims that they have trapped something in the circle and that is what moved the skull and chalk etc. Keep in mind they are saying all of this with a straight face. Also note that Yvette is stood in the circle as the image above shows, and she forgets to be scared.

An old phone makes a noise. Off camera, so they all go to the phone, and ask for it to make a noise again. Nothing happens.

We then get a return to the "orb" phenomena.
Yvette in narration proudly declares that it is not an insect and no windows were open, so it is unexplained!

WRONG. Air pressure will easily move bit of dust, around in an old building, or a hair, or cobweb etc, an out of focus piece of cobweb floating near to the lens of the camera 100% explains this.

And after what feels like an eternity the investigation is over. And Watson was the only smart one since he buggered off nice and early. And even GORT did not return.

Another truly awful episode that not even Watson or GORT could save. 0/10

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Review: Most Haunted Series 5 (or 19) Episode 4 (Todmoreden Church) - REALLY to air Friday 5th May, 10pm

♪♫♬How many kinds of sweet bulldogs grow♪♫♬

♪♫♬In a Most Haunted Investigation?♪♫♬

♪♫♬I'll tell you now of something I know♪♫♬

♪♫♬Watson got more popular, so now he is almost gone♪♫♬

♪♫♬Facebook and Twitter love♪♫♬

♪♫♬Instagram and Snapchat fun♪♫♬

♪♫♬Sniffing, Wagging and lots farting♪♫♬

♪♫♬No not Watson, that vile woman Yvette♪♫♬

♪♫♬In a Most Haunted Investigation?♪♫♬

"To be sang in the style of English Country Garden"

So I kind of messed up a little bit earlier, if you have been following me on Twitter I accidentally said that Mel Crump was returning to Most Haunted on this episode. Unfortunately despite my best efforts this is not true, and she will never return. In the words of Yvette (Allegedly) "That woman will never work in TV again, what with her perfect hair, beautiful blemish free tanned skin, pert round bum, she will never be welcome on Most Haunted again"

Anyway on to this weeks "Entertainment Purposes Only" episode of Most Haunted and here is your filthy, dirty, stained blurb.

"More creepy capers with Yvette and the fearless Most Haunted team. The team find they are not alone when they go into the cellar of Todmoreden Church in West Yorkshire."

I did notice after episode 3 aired last night on REALLY, a lot of people were really angry and pissed off that Watson was not part of the show. I would like to refer everyone back to my comments back on the 21st of March on my exclusive embargo breaking review of Episode 1 I said, and I quote.

"We now get introduced to who will undoubtably become the most popular member of the team, shortly before being brutally fired because Yvette is jealous of them (see Jason Karl, Phil Whyman, Matthew Smith, and so on)...."

People said I was lying, people said this would never happen.
"He is just a dog, Yvette would never get rid of Watson because he was more popular than her, don't be silly"

I am sure Watson wasn't just a PR stunt used to get some media "inches" before the series aired, because otherwise no one was interested in promoting a new series of Most Haunted, that was exactly the same as every previous series.

Well lets get on with Episode 4, and in one of the opening shots the legendary Watson makes an appearance!

Most Haunted these days seems more like a parody of itself than any actual show, the dodgy production shots, awful camera work etc, its like some of those Most Haunted clones on Youtube.

We start off an Yvette is walking in a "Haunted Gothic Church", and surprise surprise the church is now owned by a tourist company. I can imagine the Unitarian Church wont be too happy that one of their former churches is being used for such purposes.

I wonder how long it will take for Watson to be "Put to bed" so he doesn't get in the way? I bet he doesn't even make the proper investigation at all!

After looking quite busty last week, I have to say that this week Yvette is looking quite curvy around the hips. Oh no, here they come again. I am getting feelings!! This is so wrong. Must be cause I mentioned the Crumpster earlier, its got my hormones raging.

Naughty boy Glen, has his best sports casual jacket on again, nice to see him wearing jeans and a t-shirt in Church, way to disrespect Christianity!

Glen makes some good comments here about a church being the last place that is likely to be haunted, and that the acoustics in a place like a Church would really carry noises, so normal events could be amplified and carried about. Yvette quickly dismisses this and moves on.

Cut to Watson who already cant be arsed.

Strangely not much messing about today, straight into the investigation and we are less than 10 minutes into the episode.

Yvette is calling out to the spirits, and even asks them to affect Watson.

I am sure that Watson is wondering why he is being brought into it, he is just happy sitting on his bet and enjoying the peace and quiet of a totally NOT haunted location.

Yvette asks the spirits to make a noise with their voice. Again the stupidest thing you can ever say.

Karl and Fred are in the graveyard, again another place where no dead person is ever gonna hang about as a ghost.

Yvette tries to do some "twerking" to impress the boys, but they just think she looks silly, so they pretend to hear a noise, which then gets Yvette to concentrate on making a TV show.

Karl and Fred mention the disgusting smell outside in the graveyard. Although Karl really should be used to disgusting smells living with Yvette all these years, the smell of a decaying corpse has nothing on Yvette's bottom burps, or so Derek Acorah once told me anyway.

Fred is convinced he has seen something in the trees.

Yvette has now seen a small shadow move across the church in the distance, a small almost bulldog sized shadow! What could it possibly be?

They hear a noise coming from one of the floor grates. The cameraman is standing between two of them, so obviously it couldn't possibly be him. He then states "It could be a chink". Which I thought was incredibly racist, but that's none of my business.

They play a replay of the noise, which matches perfectly with Stuart moving, so that's solved then.

Karl is still moaning about the smell. And pulling faces. Of course it couldn't possibly be dog poo could it? No of course not, what kind of crazy dog would do a poo outside on some grass.

I hope Karl checks his shoes before he goes back inside.

Just as Karl has cleaned the dog shit off his shoes, he comes in and catches Glen and Yvette in an awkward position, they are holding hands, Yvette quickly pulls away. Not sure if Karl saw everything in the dark.

We get a cut in the feed, and suddenly Glen has been moved and replaced by Fred. I wonder why!

Yvette has asked the spirits to copy her whistling. Just think if there is a homeless person outside, he might hear that whistling and whistle back. I know I would do that if I heard whistling.

The team splits up, and Fred is encouraged to do one of his "evil chants". He starts it and then this comes up on screen which really made me laugh.

Yes they don't want the people at home to hear the full incantation because???? Evil spirits are gonna come through their TV sets?

Remember this show is a spoof, for entertainment purposes only, it is not real! I am guessing OFCOM didn't force them to put that on the screen, and instead it is a stunt to impress the idiots watching at home.

Karl and Stuart are outside, Stuart has heard a noise, and he is trying to describe what it sounds like, and no joke, he is saying it sounds like a female orgasm!
Again this is not a bit by me, he is literally saying that. Now how he would know what the female orgasm would sound like i have no idea.

Karl has no idea what Stuart is talking about, mainly because he also has never made a woman orgasm. That's why Yvette always looks so miserable.

(Advice for the ladies out there "Once you go Greek you hit your peak")

Fred is still doing his nonsense incantations. I am sure he is making it up as he goes along. Bizarrely they have hooked up a noose, for the following shot.

Back to Stuart and Karl and Stuart is insisting he heard what he heard, and now Karl is agreeing they have heard a woman. I wonder if "Real Punting" is filming nearby?

Question: Which current or former crew member on Most Haunted once appeared in an episode of Real Punting?

Answer: You will have to go subscribe to find out!

Stuart is finally getting to Karl with all his ghost orgasm sex talk. Again this is not a joke by me, this is actually happening.

We are now past the half way point of the episode, and nothing of actual interest has happened. Watson as I predicted has disappeared, and is not being used in the investigation at all, making his entire inclusion in the show completely pointless.

Stuart and Karl are still talking about the orgasmic sex ghost. (hooker in the car park) Stuart and Karl hear another noise, the fact they are outside and near a road is not really mentioned.

Glen is keeping his hands to himself after getting told off earlier, he aint gonna risk it again, not while the cameras are running.

Yvette hears a noise again, Glen insists it was Greg, Yvette insists it is not.
Basically they are all hearing each other breath through their noses, and they are reporting this as ghostly activity.

Yvette whistles and someone whistles back. Yvette shouts to Fred, who pretends he cant hear her, then shouts back it wasn't him. Glen quickly goes to the laptop to get a playback of the ghost whistle. And yes there is a whistle, but there is no way at all to prove it wasn't one of the many other cast members.

I am not sure how whistling in the dark, in the cellar of the Church, when there is at least 6 other people in the location, constitutes as investigating the paranormal.

You might as well fart and listen out for someone else farting and then when everyone denies it is them, then claim it is a ghost fart.

Karl is now in the cellar and Yvette and the rest of them are in the graveyard.

Straight away Yvette hears a noise, I wonder if that ghost woman is getting sloppy seconds? ("Sloppy Seconds" was allegedly Yvette's nickname in high school)

10 minutes left and not a lot has happened, surely Stuart or Karl have to throw something soon. Noises from a sex ghost, and a whistle is not at all interesting to me.

Strangely Glen starts to make some very good observations while outside, and how the torch light creating shadows from one tombstone onto another creates the illusion of a moving shadow. Well done Glen. I know you get told what to say and do a lot, and have been involved in some fakery, but it is also good when you get to pre-empt some of the other nonsense you know will come out.

Karl is starting to hear things, and his imagination is playing games with him.

Notice the light on the wall behind Karl here, and also his eyes! This is NOT night vision, this is a camera filter to fake night vision. This is not at all dark.

Now there is a very slight groan noise here that is not Karl, it almost sounds slightly like a post production sound effect. But I am sure it is most likely just an echo.

Karl leaves the cellar.

No big stunt to end the show. No items thrown.
A few easily explainable noises and that's it.
No Watson for most of the show.

A complete waste of an episode.
Not even history buffs will enjoy this as there is no real history given of the location.

0/10


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By Jon Donnis