February 2004.
"Karl Beattie, laid claim to being the only living samurai outside of Japan, and says that he is one of only eight foreigners to have ever been awarded the title."
The Office of the Imperial Household told The Japan Times that it has no practice or system of granting such titles.
“This man is an obvious fraud,”
“This man can do a lot of damage. We’re talking about losing a finger,”
Ray Correa student of Japanese swordsmanship.
And with that quick historical lesson about Karl Beattie lying to the media, we can get back to Most Haunted.
"Spook-searching with Yvette and co! Yvette is pushed to the limits in a haunted disused attic at stately home Beaumanor Hall, and Karl is followed by a very heavily booted phantom."
I will admit the first time I read that blurb, I swear it said "Heavy Booty Phantom".
For a moment I thought Yvette had put a white sheet on her head and had gone full on Scooby Doo show bad guy. But alas no, it is not Yvette in a tight white sheet.
The show starts off and straight away all you can hear is Yvette screaming, which tells you all you need to know about why this really isn't an episode you will want to watch. Well unless she is screaming after walking in on Glen in his "secret room", while he is adjusting his "dongle" on his laptop.
Let us start with my episode predictions.
1. Yvette will do her best Anneka Rice impression, (Because she has trousers on).
2. Yvette and Karl will have a fake choreographed argument.
3. Karl will do some kind of stunt that everyone will laugh at and mock.
4. Things will be thrown OFF CAMERA.
Yvette starts off by informing us that because the location is so big, they have had to split the investigation into two parts, and this week is part 1. Of course this is nothing to do with keeping costs down, knocking out two episodes instead of one due to them being self funded, and paid a pittance by UKTV per episode. No of course not. Don't believe the conspiracy theorists. #ReleaseTheMostHauntedMemo.
Sadly Glen hasn't arrived yet, so cant hold Yvette's brolly for her. Shame.
Although she does have a tight grip on the shaft of the umbrella, holding it strong with both holds. Almost as if it is replacing something she hasn't had in many a year.
Some interesting camera work by Karl here.
No sign of Watson on the walk around, I am guessing after he pissed everywhere on the last couple of episodes he has now been permanently banned. Poor doggo.
Glen finally appears in his best tweed waistcoat.
Glen has taken Yvette into a room full of old vacuums and laundry machines, Yvette is excited, Glen, not so much.
One thing I will say for Yvette, and that is she always keeps her house clean and tidy. The Carpet always matches the drapes.
Ok, as they leave the room, there is a really strange segment. Someone is still filming, and they make a funny noise and move the camera close to a vacuum, I guess to joke that a vacuum has turned on, on its own. But then there is a noise, and something has been thrown OFF CAMERA.
It is a little toy car, of which there was conveniently a selection of toy cars on the side. So basically someone just picked up a car and chucked it behind themselves OFF CAMERA.
A few taps are now heard. They ask for something else to be thrown, and of course nothing is.
Yvette starts on about the "Call Back Phenomena" again, Damn she is really trying to push that as a thing, desperately hoping ghost hunters around the country start saying it.
After only having a brolly to hold, Yvette now has the girth of Glen's arm to wrap her hand around. Glen simply cant hide his smugness at this moment, and he continues to walk up the stairs slightly doubled over, almost as if he is trying to hide something.
They switch to the black and white filter, and the investigation proper begins, and straight away Yvette is getting scared of nothing on the stairs with Karl.
Lots of running about aimlessly. And we get a repeat of the Treasure Hunt / Anneka Rice scene from a few episodes back. I told you then it would be a start of a new thing didn't I!?
You will notice this will only ever happen when Yvette has trousers on, and she wants to show off her round behind.
Shame her trousers are a bit baggy this week.
Someone really needs to edit in some Benny Hill music to these ridiculous Treasure Hunt scenes.
Have you ever noticed how often Fred asks to be touched?.
Yvette and Karl are already having one of their fake choreographed arguments. And as usual Karl is filming himself smirking and laughing.
You know, the first time they did it, it was funny, it was cute, but when it is every week, it is just too obvious. But the fans lap it up, so they keep doing it.
"The filing cabinet cant move, to early" - Karl Beattie.
Hmmm. Did Karl forget to edit out himself saying this?
Yvette and Karl are filling time by pretending to see and hear things OFF CAMERA.
"I feel like Scooby Doo" - Yvette Fielding.
Sorry Yvette, you are not Scooby Doo, you are the villains in a Scooby Doo show.
"Can you make a noise with your voice" - Yvette Fielding.
As opposed to what? Your arse? As usual Yvette is talking nonsense.
Suddenly there is a noise OFF CAMERA, and Yvette lets out a scream that seems to go on forever. A picture frame has fallen down and smashed on the floor. OFF CAMERA.
Yvette's scream sounds more like frustration and annoyance, than that of fear. I wonder who or what she could possibly be annoyed at for scaring her. Definitely not the ghosts since they don't exist.
Yvette has trousers on, so here is a shot of Karl filming her bent over. Almost as if this was scripted? #ReleaseTheMostHauntedMemo.
Karl is tapping his foot, pretending it is a ghost, Yvette in her best Panto voice says "It's behind you".
There really is a lot of filler here. Obviously stretching things out to fill up the time. No wonder UKTV only pay a few grand per episode.
We quickly move between the various crew member groups, It is funny that they are all doing the tapping and hoping the ghosts reply or tap back etc. If any of this was honest, then they are just hearing each others taps.
If this was one of the classic episodes, then Derek Acorah would have got possessed by a vacuum by now.
Yvette and Karl are still wondering around aimlessly, pretending to see and hear things OFF CAMERA. Yvette is screaming again, and having more fake arguments.
25 Minutes in, and we have not had a single interesting thing happen other than Karl chucking a toy car.
Here Karl shows how easy it is to film using just one hand. Also note how bright it is, big light on his camera, as well as on the camera filming them. Ask yourself why on earth do they need to have a black and white filter on, if only to make it look more spooky.
The Ghost Chasers show proved how much better things look if you just film with HQ cameras in normal light.
Yvette is now with Fred, Glen and various Cameramen, and she has stopped screaming. Karl is on his own upstairs, scared to walk past some ladders.
I feel a "trick" coming soon. Let's hope it is something good.
Back to Yvette and gang, and more noises OFF CAMERA, more walking about.
Back to Karl and he suspiciously places the camera on the floor. And puts some EMF meters on the floor in front of the camera. Let me guess, he will ask the ghost to set them off on cue.
The EMF meters all go off, proving absolutely nothing.
Anyone with even the most basic knowledge of such things will laugh at this and how ridiculous it is.
"Those EMF meters are going off, that's technology, you cant really....." - Karl Beattie.
Can't really what Karl? Fake it? No that would be impossible, you know, because it is technology, and as everyone knows Technology is infallible.
Back with Karl and he is still filming EMF meters on the floor.
He asks for the light to turn read, and it does, (I think, since we are watching in black and white). Now just remember, Karl is holding a big ELECTRIC camera, and he also has multiple ELECTRIC devices on him, including his phone, his mic pack, a torch, and so on. Now if only we could think of something that would set off an ELECTROmagnetic field. Nope, no possible explanation for this, 100% has to be the ghosties.
Just a thought, if you are a ghost, and you give off electromagnetic fields, if you floated along to CERN, and perhaps just perhaps, you floated inside the Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest and most powerful particle collider, the most complex experimental facility ever built, and the largest single machine in the world. And you know, just floated about inside it, maybe scientists would detect you, and right there you have just proven the existence of ghosts. Really simple if you think about it.
Now if I, an admitted idiot and fool, can think of that as a way to prove my existence as a ghostie, do you think that perhaps a dead Einstein might also have thought of it?
Instead if you believe that Most Haunted is 100% legit, or that you believe that EMF Meters can really detect ghosts, but that these ghosts will ONLY chose to prove they exist by floating about in old buildings for unqualified idiots to detect them on EMF meters, INSTEAD of categorically and scientifically proving their existence in the LHC, then please leave a comment explaining why this is so.
The Large Hadron Collider has NEVER EVER detected any ghosts, therefore it is a scientifically safe assumption to declare with the utmost confidence that GHOSTS DO NOT EXIST.
And before you know it the episode has ended. Karl's big stunt was getting some EMF meters to go off. That's it. What a huge let down of an episode.
I am going to give this episode a worlds first negative score.
Yes I am giving this episode a minus 1 out of 10.
There was nothing to be taken out of this episode, nothing, a total waste of time.
Their "evidence" consisted of a toy car being thrown OFF CAMERA, and an EMF meter going off. That is it.
Possibly the worst episode in the history of Most Haunted.
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