Review: Most Haunted Series 5 (or 19) Episode 5 (Weir Mill in Stockport ) - REALLY to air Friday 12th May, 10pm

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for advertisement, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you cancel Most Haunted now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will say mean things about you." - Jon Donnis

I am back! Let me apologise for the delay in posting this review up, usually I get them up much quicker, but after last weeks 0/10 review, nothing could interest me less than doing another review of this huge pile of dog excrement known as Most Haunted. But I have a few hours spare on this glorious Wednesday afternoon, so I thought I would take my good mood and totally destroy it by watching and reviewing Most Haunted for all you wank pheasants that get off on me castrating the Most Haunted crew and show.

(Random News Fact - Derek Acorah filmed 7 episodes of a second series of The Past Hunters, but now refuses to allow them to be aired because they were so bad and full of fakery. True story!)

Right then onto this weeks episode of "Will the dog be on it?"

Lets pry open Karts favourite Blart Sock and read the blurb for this episode
"Spine-tingling snooping with Yvette Fielding. An evening at the abandoned Weir Mill in Stockport proves too much for one team member who makes an early exit."

As the credits start, a voiceover preview of the show has Yvette seemingly disappointed in someone for doing something. If that is not a hook to get you to watch then nothing is.

As we start, first thing to notice is that Watson the MH Bulldog is here! Will he last more than the intro? Also his lack of interest in the first 5 seconds of the show is palpable! This dog truly does represent every intelligent viewer in the history of this show.

I had a few people comment regarding my new found interest in the physical attributes of Yvette Fielding in my past few reviews, well to start off I can safely say that so far I have had no tingles in the first 5 seconds of the show, so I think I might be ok this week.

As we are given a "cinematic" look around Weir Mill, this pops up. Look we all know that Yvette is a bit cold in the bedroom but for Karl to graffiti this is going to far! Afterall what does you expect the poor woman to do when all she is given is a micropenis to satisfy her. Any woman would feel dead inside if you cant even get past the labia! At least Watson gives her a good tonguing every now and again.

Yvette is continuing her walkthrough and Watson has already buggered off.
We are told about a 7 foot tall spectre with half a face. (Spoiler, this ghost is not seen tonight) In the world of the smartphone, not a single piece of evidence of any ghosts exist anywhere in the world. Now unless the Most Haunted team have some basic video editing software to create some kind of overlay effect then I really doubt they will find any 7 foot ghost today.

Next up a short interview with the ONLY woman in the world who does not own a smartphone, who tells us how she saw this 7 foot ghost.

Now this woman does look familiar, I wonder if she is involved in a local Paranormal Investigation Group?

Yvette and Glen start talking, and Glen is not impressed, it is strange dont you think that after appearing in so many episodes and supposedly seeing "the best ever evidence of a ghost" that Glen still thinks it is all rubbish when told about hauntings etc. Even the biggest fan of Most Haunted must realise that something is up when a character refuses to believe in ghosts just a few weeks after putting their reputation on the line by claiming footage of a ghost is real. (Despite the fact they were 100% caught lying)

10 Minutes in and I am already getting bored.

But wait, out of nowhere it is the return of GORT! "Ghost Observing Robotic Tracker"
You remember GORT don't you? Episode 2, I made a joke about it being Karl's nickname for Yvettes lady garden? Basically a cheap remote control car with a GoPro camera on it! It was on episode 2 for about 30 seconds, hailed as the next great gimmick, and was then quickly put back in its box never to be seen again, well the box has been opened, new batteries purchased, and GORT is now driving about!

Yvette reveals that after 20 minutes of GORT driving about, it found nothing, she then states that something strange happens as something is seemingly blocking his path! Oh this could be exciting.
The footage rolls and we see GORT continuously driving into a door. Yes a big heavy wooden door blocked the path of a 12 inch remote control car. It's evidence like this that really does test even the most hardened of Skeptics. I even rang up James Randi, and he asked where he should send the $1m too as clearly this was proof of the spirit world.

It is starting to get dark so GORT is left in a room never to be seen or mentioned again, and the team start their investigation. And even Watson is involved too!

And by involved I mean he is a dog walking about, not really caring about anything or anyone else.

The fact that Watson is exposing this show as fake is so hilarious to me.
Yvette, Watson and Karl are together, Karl claims to feel opressed, Yvete is saying she can see something behind him and Watson, what with his dogs nose that is 2000 times more sensitive than a human nose, hearing that can pick up sound 4 times further away than a human ear can hear, as well as pick up frequencies that humans cannot, and eye sight that is much better than a human eye in low light, Watson is not barking, not moving, just kinda standing their looking bored. And all the while Yvette and Karl are doing their best acting to make it seem like there is ghosties nearby. You see a dog cant understand humans, it doesn't care what a human believes in, it really is immune to ghost bullshit. And the fact Watson is not reacting is 100% proof that there are no ghosts in this location.

I wonder how many edits had to be made of Watson running after Stuart when he is hidden somewhere to make a noise or throw something off camera since joining the show.

There is a big noise, they run into another room, again Watson does not react, which would show he knew exactly what happened, he saw it, so did not react, he was not shocked by the noise, nor did he bark, or run after anything. Despite all of this everything Watson does or does not do, Karl and Yvette try to twist into proof of ghosts. When he is near them it is him being clingy and scared, when he is away from them he must have seen something.

There is a slightly funny moment here, as Yvette had left a couple of old bras hanging to dry after she got her sweat on, and Karl never saw them and walks into them and scares himself.

We can hear sirens in the background, so clearly the area is a busy area. We then get this shot of Watson.

Karl asks "What is he seeing?"
Remember what i said about a dog's hearing, smell and eye sight? Yes he is a dog, in an old building, in a busy area, as a human I cannot even comprehend the amount of information his senses are giving him, and non of it is anything to do with ghosts. Even Watson gives a sly look to camera as if to say
"Yes I know, I have to put up with these idiots all the time"

Again Watson does not bark, does not run, does not care in the least, he is just stood there not caring.

20 minutes in and we are now told they are going to meet up with the others and put Watson to bed.
How convenient, Watson is exposing the whole show as fake, and now you put him to bed, whats the betting that as soon as he is not about things will start getting thrown, taps will be heard and so on!

If you were a ghost, wouldn't you want to cause more chaos when there is a dog there to react?

Lets take a quick break here as I want to talk about ratings.
Now for whatever reason there is no ratings available for episode 1 of this new series of Most Haunted. No idea why, they are just not available.
However I did see Karl Beattie on Twitter bragging about the rating for Episode 2. That is the episode they spent a HUGE amount of money promoting, planting stories in the media, and so on all about the "best ghost footage ever" that turned out to be a video overlay effect of Stuart. Anyway with the amount of money spent, they had to expect a decent ratings number to come in, and yes they got just that.

Episode 1 - ???
Episode 2 - 367,000 Viewers.

That is a jump of about 150,000 viewers from the episode of Ghost Adventures that aired right before that episode.

So to put that in perspective, go back to August 2014, and that is not too far off the ratings they were getting then. Actually a bit less, but close enough. So in 3 years they have NOT had any kind of ratings increase at all.

When you consider the huge amount of money spent on PR, planting stories, TV interviews and so on, personally if I was UKTV I would be disappointed in that number, considering REALLY is a freeview channel available to everyone.

Anyway surely after getting all these new viewers episode 3 most have held the rating at least if not grew even more? Right?

WRONG!
Episode 3 lost about 66,000 viewers, and ended up with 301,000
This was still the top show of that week for Really, and about 25,000 more views than a rerun of One Born Every Minute.

Will the ratings continue to slide?
By the end of the previous series Most Haunted struggled to even get in the top 10.
Luckily UKTV pay pennies for the show, so they wont really care too much, but if Antix Productions want to ask for more money then they need to delivery in the ratings, and a one off after spending thousands and thousands of sponsored posts in the newspaper is not going to cut it.

And if you are wondering how Most Haunted compares to other shows on Freeview or Satellite, well episode 2 doesn't even make the top 30 most viewed shows for that week, and that is not even counting the big channels like BBC, ITV etc. So be careful about bragging about ratings.

Right where were we? Oh yes, Watson is being put to bed so Stuart can have free reign to throw some stones.

Karl who has been watching way too many episodes of Buffy decides to draw a Pentagram on the floor.

Fred then places a skull on the floor, and surrounds the pentagram with salt! Yes this is really happening folks. Fred has watched an episode of Supernatural, and thinks it is real.

Fred claims that the salt will protect them from spirits. Yvette quickly gets into the pentagram, and has an argument with Karl over what the point of it all is.

Fred is now spouting off his mumbo jumbo, while Glen is watching some truly filthy porn on his laptop. Like seriously the worst kind of degrading disgusting porn, you know, that weird Japanese porn with giant tentacles and ping pong balls.

We get an edit in Fred's chanting, I assume so that the evil spirits don't travel into your house by way of your TV set, because you know that can so possibly happen.

If only this was product placement, then Antix could actually make some money instead of having Fred bankroll everything. Glen is still transfixed by the laptop screen.

Luckily I managed to get access to some footage recorded by the other cameraman who filmed over Glen's shoulder. 

They are still fannying about with the pentagram, so far the bad spirits don't give a shit, although Stuart is not on camera so I expect something to happen soon.

Yvette is being cocky in the pentagram, dancing because she thinks she is safe from the evil spirits. (She is safe because there are no such things as ghosts.)

Fred is now trying to open the gates of hell. No joke that is what is claimed.
Nothing happens.

Karl wants to break the circle of salt and expose Yvette to the evil spirits, Fred tells him it is dangerous. Glen is still looking at naked images on his laptop, he is now crouched down to hide his erect penis.

Karl still wants to break the circle, Yvette doesn't want him too.
This is all very childish.

Karl and Yvette are now having an argument because Karl wants to break a circle of salt on the floor.
I cant believe I am watching this crap.

There is a noise, some walking about and thats it.


Yvette stays in her pentagram.

We hear a voiceover saying that Stuart hasn't been seen in a while and when they find him they are shocked by what they find.

Time to find out if those acting lessons Stuart took have paid off. (Yes he really took acting lessons some years ago, look it up)

Karl has found Stuart who is sat on the floor and in Karls own words is "covered in crap".
Karl asks Stuart what has happened, Stuart says he wants to go home, and at the same time we get a close up of his face and we see this.....

Lets be honest here, either Stuart has done this to himself for effect, or he just tripped over and scraped his face on the floor or a wall. That would explain the graze as well as his dirty trousers.

Karl asks him if he needs an ambulance. Stuart is keeping his eyes shut throughout this, as it helps him concentrate on this ridiculous nonsense he is trying to pull off.

Stuart claims he doesn't know what happened and he wants to go home.

Stuart's night is over, and has gone home. No one has checked his video camera, no one has bothered to find out what happened, as I am sure he would have had the camera on and filming since that is his job. 

We get no follow up on Stuart for the rest of the episode, he is just forgotten about.

Instead we get back to Yvette in the stupid salt pentagram, which Karl quickly decides to break with his foot. Lets hope Satan appears now and takes Yvette straight to hell.

Sadly Satan has not appeared, Yvette is now out of the circle, and they are communicating with the dead by tapping on the floor.

Yvette has decided that there are ghost children present so now puts on a silly voice to talk to the children.

Nothing much happens, but we are in the last ten minutes now, so time for the big ending.
Karl and Fred are together, some noises are heard off camera as usual.

Off camera bangs are not proof of the paranormal, they are proof of bangs. Any number of explanations possible here, and as long as rational explanations are available, the paranormal explanations can firmly be ignored.

Back at the pentagram....

And chalk is on the floor that was in the chalice, the skull has moved. And of course no one filmed it. Thus instantly making everything pointless and worthless as evidence. Karl claims he repaired the circle as he felt bad after breaking it, and Fred claims that they have trapped something in the circle and that is what moved the skull and chalk etc. Keep in mind they are saying all of this with a straight face. Also note that Yvette is stood in the circle as the image above shows, and she forgets to be scared.

An old phone makes a noise. Off camera, so they all go to the phone, and ask for it to make a noise again. Nothing happens.

We then get a return to the "orb" phenomena.
Yvette in narration proudly declares that it is not an insect and no windows were open, so it is unexplained!

WRONG. Air pressure will easily move bit of dust, around in an old building, or a hair, or cobweb etc, an out of focus piece of cobweb floating near to the lens of the camera 100% explains this.

And after what feels like an eternity the investigation is over. And Watson was the only smart one since he buggered off nice and early. And even GORT did not return.

Another truly awful episode that not even Watson or GORT could save. 0/10

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By Jon Donnis